Could mean more then what I know

"You have the opportunity to get a four year degree. Then, you can go off and do all the missions and whatever else you want do to. But I can tell you, if you leave, it will be the worst thing you have ever done. It will be the biggest mistake of your life."

I walk up to my room with my moms words replaying over and over and over. "It will be the biggest mistake of your life."

Since I was a little girl, my parents have had their life plan for me in their head.
1) Grow up a good Catholic girl;
2)Go to college;
3)Get a good paying job;
4)Find a husband and have a family.

And for a while, I thought that was what I wanted too. The only difference was that I wanted to do it elsewhere. New York, London, Boston, Seattle.. but not North Dakota. This was almost the ultimate form of rebellion to my family. On both sides, my roots are buried deep within the North Dakota crust. Never, has a person ventured far out, and if they had, they always, always, came back. But I have bigger dreams.. I always had. But school and I never quite clicked and my grades were never anything much above average. So, I followed the pocketbook and what my family was saying, and went to MSUM for journalism. It never felt right though. Sure, there was always the honeymoon phase, when everything is fresh and new and you can even smell the sweetness. But my heart, was never there, it was never here in Bismarck. And that is where the problem lies.

While in Moorhead, however, an amazing thing happened. I gave my life to Jesus. Best decision but also with the most consequences. I began going to Chi Alpha, an amazing christian fellowship sponsored by First Assembly in Fargo. I also began going to FA for church on Sundays. I also began getting more and more involved with the church. Soon, I was calling it "my church" even to my parents. To them, this is the beginning of me leaving them and my Catholic roots. Which is what torments my heart. They are my family, which I will always come back too. But where does Jesus say Catholicism is the only way to Christ? It doesn't. Ever. It says Jesus is the only way. Jesus, who I will endure all things for, knowing he is at the end. But, in all honesty, that doesn't make this any easier.

Jesus, amazing savior, has called me to a life of missions. I had been researching and discerning mission opportunities for quite some time. And then I heard of YWAM (Youth with a Mission), and it just really brought peace into my heart. I had applied to a DTS (Discipleship Training School) in Boston, and had e-mailed my parents, explaining it all to them, asking them for their blessing and understanding. And to make a seemingly endless story short, that e-mail and the dream behind it has caused almost a concrete tension between my parents and I.

You see, to do what I feel Jesus is calling me towards, after this year of school, I would no longer be a college student. God willing, I would be a DTS student. However, as soon as I am out of school, the thousands worth of loans will starting stampeding my mailbox as well as health insurance, because due to law, once I am out of school, I can no longer be on my parents plan. Then, there is the $8000 (approximately) that it would cost to attend YWAM.

That is a lot of money.

God said he will provide, and in my heart I know it is true, but I still doubt it at times. More often then I would like to admit actually. Even though those numbers are nothing to Christ, King of all, to me, they make me feel insignificant.

The point of this blog, truly, I don't know if there is one. It could be a plea for help or maybe it is just another rambling of thoughts. But either way, it is what it is.

For those of you who follow this and those who just happen to fall upon it, I ask that you keep me in your prayers.

God bless you all! P.S. kudos if you made it all the way to the end :)