I love....

I love...
Jesus
laying on freshly mown grass
day dreaming
looking at my snowflake
new socks
fresh towels
laundry air
Jesus
plastic dishes
new light bulbs
wearing a certain yellow handband
worship
oversized t-shirts
photography
tire departments
writing
Jesus
purple
reading
tattoos (not on me)
knitting
Harry Potter
family
Jesus
scarves
Chi Alpha
germ-x
sleep
Jesus

Pray for love, pray for marriage

Today was the day. The first day, of a month with absolutely no school. Hallelujah. Today was also the day that I left on a three hour drive to get home (Bismarck but technically Mandan, which is where I am at now!). For those three hours I thought about one thing...

Love.

More specifically, I thought about the love I will share with my future husband. My parents just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversery. I am so very blessed and thankful that they have stayed together and faithful after all these years. Each night, I pray for the man that Jesus will lead me too one day.

I am expecting the feelings of butterflies and the loss of words and all that good stuff... which is great because Jesus meant for us to feel those things! But I don't believe they will last forever. Yes, they will be there at different moments, but what about when times get hard?

Another thing I pray for each night, is that Jesus will love others through me. Because without Him, I really have no idea how to love at all. But I especially ask that he will love my future husband through me.

I believe marriage, if through Jesus, is an advancment of the gospel! I believe that if marriage is 100% focused on the Lord and spreading the Good news of salvation, it will out-last anything!.. So that is another thing I am going to be praying for.. that the Lord will use my marriage as an advancement for his kingdom.

Just thought you would like to know. (...And I only have like.. 3 followers? maybe 4.. so yeah, this is for you lucky people :)..)

Now.

These past couple of days, I have realized just how much I live in the future.

I often find comfort, in the future, the unknown. It is a mystery and quite exciting. But it is also dangerous.

What am I going to do for spring break?
When am I going to study for this or that?
Where am I going to be ten years from now?

Innocent questions. But what happens if I miss something? What happens, if I get so caught up with what lies ahead, that I miss what God is doing here and now?

So, in order to keep this short, I vow to do my utmost to keep my heart.. here. Now. To focus on my feelings at this moment and keep my heart open for Jesus now.

And now.

And now.

Matthew 6:34--Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Love Languages

So.

I am currently watching FOX. For some reason, the topic of the American student charged with murder in Afghanistan brought the thought of the 5 love languages to mind. Strange, I know. But it got me thinking.. what are my love languages?

It really wasn't as difficult to figure out as I imagined. The 5 languages of love are: affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

The presence of all of these languages are important to any relationship, but don't we all have one or two that are more important? I know I do! For me, affirmation and physical touch are two that are a must.

I'm a writer. I'm a reader. Just give me words! I love, and I mean love, words. Not only that, I tend to get anxious and nervous if I am not affirmed of a certain persons feelings for, really, even a few days. That fact is a little embarrassing, but it is what it is.

Also, touch! Ah, yes:) Ask any of my friends, and they will pledge that I love to cuddle. Or snuggle. Embrace. Call it what you will, I love it! It brings a certain sense of closeness, I suppose, that isn't available any other way.

Hmm.. So. This was all pretty random, unorganized, and unedited. Which is perfectly okay.

Chiclets!

Chiclets. So Good. I wish I was intelligent enough to think of some metaphor that would make life make sense and cause you to view chiclets as a Nation Monument of some sort. But I'm not. So yeah. But Chiclets really are delicious. They are classic. And amazing. I adore them.

The end.

Could mean more then what I know

"You have the opportunity to get a four year degree. Then, you can go off and do all the missions and whatever else you want do to. But I can tell you, if you leave, it will be the worst thing you have ever done. It will be the biggest mistake of your life."

I walk up to my room with my moms words replaying over and over and over. "It will be the biggest mistake of your life."

Since I was a little girl, my parents have had their life plan for me in their head.
1) Grow up a good Catholic girl;
2)Go to college;
3)Get a good paying job;
4)Find a husband and have a family.

And for a while, I thought that was what I wanted too. The only difference was that I wanted to do it elsewhere. New York, London, Boston, Seattle.. but not North Dakota. This was almost the ultimate form of rebellion to my family. On both sides, my roots are buried deep within the North Dakota crust. Never, has a person ventured far out, and if they had, they always, always, came back. But I have bigger dreams.. I always had. But school and I never quite clicked and my grades were never anything much above average. So, I followed the pocketbook and what my family was saying, and went to MSUM for journalism. It never felt right though. Sure, there was always the honeymoon phase, when everything is fresh and new and you can even smell the sweetness. But my heart, was never there, it was never here in Bismarck. And that is where the problem lies.

While in Moorhead, however, an amazing thing happened. I gave my life to Jesus. Best decision but also with the most consequences. I began going to Chi Alpha, an amazing christian fellowship sponsored by First Assembly in Fargo. I also began going to FA for church on Sundays. I also began getting more and more involved with the church. Soon, I was calling it "my church" even to my parents. To them, this is the beginning of me leaving them and my Catholic roots. Which is what torments my heart. They are my family, which I will always come back too. But where does Jesus say Catholicism is the only way to Christ? It doesn't. Ever. It says Jesus is the only way. Jesus, who I will endure all things for, knowing he is at the end. But, in all honesty, that doesn't make this any easier.

Jesus, amazing savior, has called me to a life of missions. I had been researching and discerning mission opportunities for quite some time. And then I heard of YWAM (Youth with a Mission), and it just really brought peace into my heart. I had applied to a DTS (Discipleship Training School) in Boston, and had e-mailed my parents, explaining it all to them, asking them for their blessing and understanding. And to make a seemingly endless story short, that e-mail and the dream behind it has caused almost a concrete tension between my parents and I.

You see, to do what I feel Jesus is calling me towards, after this year of school, I would no longer be a college student. God willing, I would be a DTS student. However, as soon as I am out of school, the thousands worth of loans will starting stampeding my mailbox as well as health insurance, because due to law, once I am out of school, I can no longer be on my parents plan. Then, there is the $8000 (approximately) that it would cost to attend YWAM.

That is a lot of money.

God said he will provide, and in my heart I know it is true, but I still doubt it at times. More often then I would like to admit actually. Even though those numbers are nothing to Christ, King of all, to me, they make me feel insignificant.

The point of this blog, truly, I don't know if there is one. It could be a plea for help or maybe it is just another rambling of thoughts. But either way, it is what it is.

For those of you who follow this and those who just happen to fall upon it, I ask that you keep me in your prayers.

God bless you all! P.S. kudos if you made it all the way to the end :)

Forever and always

By The Tree- I Will Follow You

Prayin' for the daylight
One thing still remains
Stuck in a rut again
Longing still the same
Finally the sunshine
Brings new life within
The journey begins

I will follow You, fix my eyes on You
Til the race is through,
I am trusting You
When the stars don't shine,
At the end of time
And there's no more life in this heart of mine
I will follow You

Finding You've been faithful
Wonderful and true
In You there's no darkness
Love is shining through
At times the road is winding
What else could I do
But hold on to You

I'm not running on my own
I need You to lead me home

I'll just let those lyrics sink into your heart for a moment...............................................
Full of truth? Yes, yes they are.

I had a lunch date with a wonderful friend of mine and she spoke to me about how God loves patience and endurance in Him. And how the desert is the best place to be. And that is so true. Hasn't God already proven His love by sending us Jesus? Hasn't he kept all his promises and more? I'm going to go with yes. So I believe it is our turn. And even the times where we hear nothing from him, I will stay on my face and will hold him in my heart. For the rest of my life, even if I hear nothing again, I will always be faithful to our King and Savior!
:)

Post-script: This is just a complete rambling of my thought. Completel unorganized :) so sorry about that haha.